Lately I've been feeling a little like Job. As the plans start to fall into place for the coming year at least, as I intend to follow my heart and dreams, I feel my life is crumbling around me. Maybe this sounds a little over-dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is how it feels right now.
My uncle has been out of commission for 2 months now after his sudden accident that has changed his life and his family's life dramatically. The outlook is promising, but his rehab options at this point are limited since he is unable to do any weight-bearing. So we wait. And we pray for healing. And we pray for a better facility with less geriatric patients. And we ask for patience.
I figured this event, which marked the end of an emotional February, would be the end for a bit, and that I could coast by for a while. That things would get better. Everything was going well until I received notice last week that a friend and former co-worker of mine took his own life the weekend before. I have never lost anyone close to me. And this seemed like such an unfair way to die. All we were left with were questions. Why? Was there something I could have done? As coworkers, we all got together one night to talk, support each other, and spend time together. It was tough, but we also got to talk about the good times and the laughs we had spent with our friend. We said our last goodbyes on Wednesday at a memorial service at SFU. It was a time full of tears, but also laughter and pride, as we were all grateful to have known such a wonderful man.
In the week between hearing the news and attending the funeral, I coasted along in a haze, trying to get through the days at work. I was left wondering what if I had shared my faith with him. Would that have made a difference? It wasn't until the memorial service that I found out he was a Christian, and it all made sense. He emulated Christ through his actions and his love. He had a genuine heart and gave so much of himself. Maybe so much that he was left empty and ran out of care for himself. During this week, I was also searching for ways to deal with my pain. A friend of mine lost her mom to colon cancer back in November. She shaved her head on her mom's birthday in February in remembrance and donated her hair to make wigs. I had been wanting to do that for a long time (donate my hair, not shave it) so I had grown it out for a while and it was getting really long. I decided last Saturday to just go out and do it. So with everything I needed, I went to the mall and walked into a hair salon, got an appointment right away, and cut off about 9 inches of my hair. I put it in a bag and mailed it away.
It's amazing what a haircut can do. I now understand the grieving process in the Bible. I always wondered why people would dress in rags and shave their heads while in mourning. It seemed a little excessive to me. But cutting my hair to the shortest it's ever been (it's still about shoulder length) not only took physical weight off my head, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I find it hard to explain, but through supporting a friend, remembering what my mom and my family went through with her cancer, by remembering a friend, and carrying out an act of love, I was able to deal with my grief and overcome the initial stage in the grieving process. The cloud around me that was closing me off from the rest of the world evaporated as well, and I was able to carry on. And I know that's what my friend would have wanted - to remember him, but carry on.
Which leads me back to Job. The story of Job, which some scholars believe never actually happened but we wont get into that now, although much more traumatic than my life shares some similarities with what I've been going through. The people around Job were suffering and dieing, and he dealt with it by shaving his head - just as it says here in Job 1:13-22:
"One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”"
Even after all that he had gone through (and this is just the beginning) Job grieved his losses and was still able to praise God. Now it's up to me to do the same.
On that note, here's to better days and a sunny weekend!
